We all want to be loved, cared for, or at least feel recognized, special, and important. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Wanting connection is human. Wanting to matter is human.
The only issue is that fear, insecurities, and low self-esteem interfere deeply with our connections — and that’s why I want to talk about this with you.
Fear and Insecurities in Relationships
When we have abandonment issues — the fear of being left, losing someone important, or getting hurt again — we don’t react with balance or fairness. We react from survival. We are so afraid of getting hurt that we push away the people we love the most. We start believing they don’t care. We compare their behavior to people from our past, even when the situation is completely different.
Trauma distorts perception. Even when nothing is actually happening, our nervous system reacts as if it is. We feel ignored. We feel unimportant. But feeling something doesn’t always mean it’s true. In healthy relationships, we need the ability to ask instead of assuming, to stay present instead of disappearing, and to consider the other person’s reality and feelings too.
But here’s the truth no one likes to admit: fear, insecurities, and low self-esteem don’t allow that. They don’t allow patience. They don’t allow clarity. And that’s what makes it so painful.
Trauma, Attachment, and Emotional Codependency
I was very hurt in the past. I was neglected, abandoned, and hurt by the ones who should have protected and cared for me. I also encountered people with avoidant attachment issues. As a result, I became emotionally codependent.
This isn’t about blaming anyone. And it’s not about self-pity. It’s about understanding patterns.
When one person fears abandonment and the other fears closeness, the connection becomes unstable. One pulls. The other runs. Both are afraid, just in different ways. And both end up hurting each other.
But this isn’t really about me.
The point is this: you can get hurt — but nothing hurts more than hurting someone you love because you’re too afraid. Instead of pulling them closer, you push them away. Instead of communicating, you protect yourself. Instead of trusting, you assume.
It doesn’t matter how loving, compassionate, or empathetic you are. Trauma will hurt you — and it will hurt the people you love. Unfortunately, that’s what we do in this world. Not because we want to, but because we don’t know how to do better yet.
Self-Awareness Doesn’t Mean the Fear Is Gone
I don’t have a solution for you. I wish I did. I just want to reflect with you. Maybe you know better.
I have worked on myself every single day since I was a child, and I am still afraid. I always knew I needed healing — I just didn’t know the specifics. Now I am more aware of my behavior, my reactions, and my patterns. I can see them clearly.
But awareness doesn’t mean the fear disappears.
So the question becomes: am I still on time?
I was never able to keep clients, friends, or a lover for long. Not a healthy one, anyway. Not continuously. I couldn’t even build myself financially. Fear affects everything — relationships, stability, confidence, even survival.
I never gave up, even though I paused many times and redirected. Giving up was never an option for me. Not because I’m strong, but because the only option is to keep going. What else can we do?
The Question That Has No Easy Answer
And maybe this is where it all leads.
Will we ever overcome fear, insecurities, and low self-esteem completely — or is healing something we learn to live with rather than finish?
Maybe healing isn’t about becoming fearless. Maybe it’s about staying present even when fear shows up. Maybe it’s about choosing honesty instead of protection, curiosity instead of assumption, and compassion instead of control.
Living With Fear Instead of Trying to Erase It
Maybe the problem isn’t fear itself. Maybe fear isn’t something that disappears once we become self-aware or do enough healing work. Maybe fear stays — just quieter sometimes, louder at others — and what changes is how we respond to it.
We spend so much time trying to fix ourselves, correct ourselves, or become “better versions” that we forget we are human first. Trauma doesn’t vanish because we understand it. Low self-esteem doesn’t dissolve because we name it. Awareness helps, but it doesn’t magically regulate the nervous system or undo years of conditioning.
And maybe that’s where compassion is supposed to begin — not only for others, but for ourselves.
Maybe healing is learning how to pause before reacting. Learning how to ask instead of assume. Learning how to stay instead of run. And even when we fail at that, learning how to come back without punishing ourselves for it.
I don’t know if fear ever fully leaves. I don’t know if we ever completely stop hurting each other. What I do know is that most people aren’t cruel — they’re scared. Most people aren’t cold — they’re protecting old wounds. And most people aren’t incapable of love — they just don’t know how to feel safe inside it.
So maybe healing isn’t about becoming fearless. Maybe it’s about choosing honesty over defense, presence over avoidance, and responsibility over blame — again and again.
I don’t have a conclusion. I don’t have a lesson neatly wrapped in hope. I only have questions, awareness, and the willingness to keep looking inward even when it’s uncomfortable.
And maybe, for now, that’s enough.
Questions to Reflect On
Before you go, I want to leave you with a few questions — not to answer them for you, but to reflect on your own experiences:
When fear shows up in your relationships, how do you respond? Do you protect yourself, or do you stay present?
Have you noticed patterns from the past repeating in your life? How do they show up today?
What would it look like to show compassion to yourself for the ways you’ve hurt or been hurt?
Is there someone in your life you want to reconnect with, but fear or low self-esteem is holding you back?
How can you choose honesty, curiosity, and presence — even when it’s uncomfortable?
I don’t have the answers. I only know that asking these questions is part of healing. Maybe they’ll guide you. Maybe they’ll make you uncomfortable. Maybe they’ll change nothing. But even that is part of the journey.